Just some thoughts...

“Prolonged feeling of dejection or despondency”

That’s what they say

When trying to make sense of it

When trying to make people understand

Numb

Dark

Lonely

Hopeless

They don’t put those in the definition

They’re not something people would accept

Not something they would understand

But, it is the truth.

Depression isn’t just a phase

It isn’t just a bad mood

It’s an illness

Not a choice.

Falling, fading, fast

I am struggling.

the dark, hopeless feelings are overwhelming.

each day i think they can't get worse.

yet, after each sleepless night.

they do.

I don't think i can do this.

at all.

Mad Confessions

Last night I posted my mad confessions on both facebook and twitter. 

"Tonight on channel 4 Ruby Wax is talking about her Mad Confessions so, in the spirit of talking out here goes. I have depression, ASD and bulimia, there are my mad confessions. BUT they do not define me, I am [OCTOBER] not an illness."

It was scary to do and my heart pounded as I pressed send but, almost instantly, the likes and supportive comments started coming, they were then followed by messages from some people who I hardly even knew. ALL supportive.

The stigma can be changed!

Haunting

What she said to me.

It shouldn't still haunt me.

Shouldn't still go round and round in my mind. 

I shouldn't still constantly worry what is true and what is not.

I shouldn't be scared to go to church.

Shouldn't fear them.

Shouldn't have to hide on the bus

I shouldn't be sitting here crying over it.

BUT I am.

Maybe it is because I am pathetic, attention seeking, weak, just like you said. 

Even if it is, I think about it constantly, the haunting words won't leave me alone.

Crumbling

Falling

Dark

Failing

Scared

All I do is:

cry

mess things up

cry

binge

cry

gain

cry

push people away

cry

annoy people

cry

What is the point?

Falling

Falling. Crumbling. Breaking.

Surrounded.

It all seems to be falling apart.

Everything that I built up, all the progress, going.........going..........gone............

It is all so dark. So cold.

The days so long.

The nights even longer.

I long for the sun to go to bed so that I can retreat to my darkened room.

No tears, they won't come.

Battling my thoughts.

I am fighting for M, L, R, J and others. But I can't for me. I am not worth it.

October xx

I want to live not merely survive

I have been quiet for a while as my the inside of my mind, a mass of tangled yarn, makes no sense to me.

I repulse myself.

Things got bad. They could have gone two ways. I did the "right" thing. My head is not happy.

They sent me to the hospital. Four hours of interrogation.

*nod*     "don't know"     *shake*     "maybe"     *shrug*

They let me come home. But not without conditions.

IHTT daily. Only for a short while. That is what they promised me.

Days spent at home. On the sofa. No motivation to move.

No school. Missing too much. Falling further behind.

Will I miss the end of term stuff? Miss my year group leaving?

no, I won't, I can't.

I have to be there. I can fight this.

"I want to live, not merely survive"

But, for now I can only aim to survive.

But there is a future. A future in which I will live.

xx

A darker shade of grey

My heart is pounding. My head is rushing.

I am afraid.
But what of?

I feel dread.
But why?

I want to run away.
But what from?


I sit in silence. Scared to speak. I sit in the dark. Not wanting to be seen.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. She actually picked up that things weren't good. But all she offered was adding more meds to the cocktail. I am not taking them. They didn't work last time and the side effects scare me.

I am behind on work. I have only made it into school a few days this week. I make plans and then cancel them. I am letting everyone down.

It just all seems to be getting worse faster than I can take.

When I spoke to J she just asked me "what was making me feel bad" and "which situations I find difficult to be in". To which I can only reply "I don't know" and "my life".

I promised H & J that I would stay safe. So I have to.

Walking away

I know I am doing it. I can feel myself withdrawing from everything.
I just can't face it at the moment.
I don't want people to see me or have to be around me when I am like this.
So, I withdraw, isolate myself.
Not a solution, I know, but it's what I find myself doing.

In case of emergency exits are located...

So, long time no blog.

I don't have the words at the moment.

Everywhere I am I need / want to get out of.

I want to no longer have to be me.

It's all sort of a jumble in my head.

xxx

Minding Me

We have been posting this week on the minding me blog for depression awareness week. Here is a link to the post I wrote for today: LINK
much love x

Depression Awareness Week

It is depression awareness so, inspired by the lovely Hope, I am going to share a few short poems I wrote about my depression.

On the surface I am happy,

On the surface I fit in.

But underneath that shell,

Lots of sadness is held in.

Feelings are like knots,

Tangled up inside,

but in my mind they seem to be

Something I need to hide.

The happiness is a shell,

It's how I should be

The darkness that's inside,

Is what they will never see.

I don't know what to do,

I don't know what to say.

I just need some help,

to make this monster go away.

I may not have escaped my depression yet, but I have seen that there is a light. There is a way out of it. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help.

x

The truth and nothing but the truth

Dear ?

I really wish that I had a magic wand, that I could make your struggles go away, make it all better, but I can't.
You tell me how awful you feel and inside it breaks me. I just want to hug it out of you, protect you, make sure you don't do anything to harm yourself. I hate hearing of you being in such pain and distress. You don't deserve it.
I want so badly to know what to say, to know how to make it better. But I don't know. All I can do is tell you how much I love you. Tell you that it will get better. Tell you that you are stronger than you know.
I pray for you every day. God knows you better than you know yourself and he knows that you can handle this.
I wish I could find the words, and I am so sorry if what I say isn't right. But, please know I want the best for you.
I believe in you and I know you are trying but you need to keep pushing yourself. To use an old cliche "no pain, no gain".
Please just know how much you mean to me and to so many others, you are such a special young lady.

Much love,
October
xx

Falling back

I seem to have fallen back on any progress I'd made.
I thought I was doing well, but it all seems to have crumbled around me.
I need to do well, I need to be okay.
Why? not for myself but for others. I don't want to keep hurting my family. I want to be able to be a part of mm and to help others.
But I need to get myself back on track first.

I will be proactive. I have told people that things aren't going well. I will tell my doctor I don't think my meds are working. I will do all that I can to get better.

But until I get there I just need to deal with these horrible dark thoughts and feelings. Deal with them because they WILL NOT be here forever. There will be a future for me free of this.

What is the truth?

Have I been lying to myself?

I really thought that I had been doing quite well food wise. I really, honestly did.

I know the SH and the mood hasn't been great but the food, I thought that side of things was better.

But apparently it isn't. 

The gp told me today that she is referring me to the ED team. 

I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all.

I have always managed it myself. Well, with my old psych, gp and school nurse. So why now? Why must I go to them now?

I am not really sure what I think.

Was I just fooling myself that I was doing well? What is the truth? Because I don't know what it is anymore.

Hiding away creating a river

He wont stop shouting and swearing.

Apparently it is all my fault - or at least that is what my mum says.

I'm hiding in the cupboard in my own house crying my eyes out.

They know how much shouting and arguing upsets me. They know that is scares me.

Finally the shouting dies down. I work up the courage to come out of the cupboard.

Greeted by my mother shouting in my face telling me it is my fault. That I was "winding him up".

I really don't see how I was. I didn't say anything.

I don't understand. And that upsets me almost as much as the shouting.

World Autism Day

Wrote a wee post on the minding me post for World Autism Day.
Please take a look here :-)

"I can't look at you or I'll laugh"

There was a big meeting today, multiple people involved in my "care" and me.
I feel I should have a lot to report back now.....but I really don't.

I am just impressed that I resisted the urge to HURL my filofax at my social worker! She is possibly the most irritating person that i have ever met.
Apparently my face whenever she spoke "was quite a picture".

I suppose little to report means nothing drastically bad.
So, I shall finish this wee post about hardly anything....

a glimpse of the light

Focus on the positives.
One good thing kicks out a negative.

I had a great session with the nurse the other day.
We talked - and by that I mean my end of the communication consisted of more than shrugs and "I don't knows".
And it felt great.
For the first time in a long while I didn't leave the room feeling entirely hopeless.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Hang on in there.

My weekend in pathetic breakdowns

- whether or not to shower on Saturday morning
- stay at school for maths or not?
- bean or vegetable soup
- go out with my parents or stay at home
- bed or not to bed
- what to wear or Sunday
- soup lunch at church or no soup lunch
- bus or get a lift
- YF or no YF
- HUGE breakdown over where to sit in church
- take communion or not?
- should I email medical centre

This weekend has been ridiculous. None of these things ought to have cause the sheer amount of internal turmoil that they did.

I really need to get a grip!

Writing is just shapes, speaking is just sounds

You know that game for kids, Kerplunk? The one where you can have all the marbles balancing on so few sticks. And when you pull that one stick all the marbles fall, game over. Well, that is what it feels like inside my head.
I feel as if I am only hanging on by a single stick - if that stick goes I really do not know what I will do.

If I am completely honest I am scared.

Scared of myself.

Scared of my thoughts.

Scared of the lack of control I have.

I wish that I could tell someone how I feel and not feel I am burdening them. There are so many people who are going through difficult times and I guess that they deserve the support more than I.

I have to be 'okay'.

I am supposed to be 'okay'.

People need me to be 'okay'.

But I am not.

I have to keep up the act that I am alright at school or people will ask questions. I have to keep it up at home or my family will worry. I have to keep it up at church or people will think I am being attention seeking.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am not the type of person to ask for help but here goes:
I really can't do this alone. I need help.

That whisper in the darkness

My head is in a somewhat peculiar place right now.
I seem strangely capable of wholeheartedly believing contradictory statements at the same time.


"There is no way that I will ever get through this"
"I completely trust that God will help me through this"


For someone who usually likes things to be logical, this internal paradox is particularly confusing. Whilst I am not doubting the power of God, I just seem unable of truly applying it to my own situation. 
I trust God. I say that with all my heart. So, why do I feel like I will never come out the other side of this darkness?
I find myself thinking "maybe this is the life I am supposed to live forever" or "maybe things are not supposed to get any better". 
I fully believe that God would not give someone more than he knew they could handle. But, believing that leaves me perplexed. Maybe God overestimated my strength because I don't think I can handle the things that he has given me, I am not convinced that I am strong enough.


My faith in Jesus has got me through some of my toughest moments and without him in my life I honestly do not know if I would be here to write this today. I suppose that is the heart of it. I may not always believe that God will get me through but deep down I always trust in that fact.

SIAD

So, today is self injury awareness day.
I took a big step to mark the date and helped with writing this blog post for minding me.
Please take a look, just click HERE


much love
xx

Why hello there :)

I am just an ordinary girl with a few things going on in my head.

I may have depression but that does not define me.
I may be autistic but that is not just who I am.
I may have eating issues but that doesn't make me any less of a person.

My teenage years have consisted of hospitals, knitting, baking and Jesus - far from the stereotypical parties and alcohol. But I am me, like me or leave me, that is who I am.

Numbers and equations are my thing with words never really being a forte of mine. But I shall try to write in a somewhat readable manner.

TTFN
xxx