I want to live not merely survive

I have been quiet for a while as my the inside of my mind, a mass of tangled yarn, makes no sense to me.

I repulse myself.

Things got bad. They could have gone two ways. I did the "right" thing. My head is not happy.

They sent me to the hospital. Four hours of interrogation.

*nod*     "don't know"     *shake*     "maybe"     *shrug*

They let me come home. But not without conditions.

IHTT daily. Only for a short while. That is what they promised me.

Days spent at home. On the sofa. No motivation to move.

No school. Missing too much. Falling further behind.

Will I miss the end of term stuff? Miss my year group leaving?

no, I won't, I can't.

I have to be there. I can fight this.

"I want to live, not merely survive"

But, for now I can only aim to survive.

But there is a future. A future in which I will live.

xx