Evening....

Hello, I have not been posting here as I am not a fan of how public it is. I have got a second blog but it has restricted access. If you would like to be added to the access list thingy though just ask me / send me your email address x

Let their story be heard

I have not been in the blogging mindset for a while now but something came onto my screen this evening that had to be shared.An incredibly brave and strong girl that I know spoke out about her experience of abuse in an attempt to raise awareness of the injustice that exists. This may be an issue I thankfully have not got any personal experience with but her words made me feel very passionately that I wanted to spread her story. So, here is what she wrote. 


"Child abuse is a huge problem in our society today, especially within family homes. People don't realise how serious it is, because the victims don't always speak out. They believe they deserved it, somehow it's their fault or are too scared to report it, as they ear for their life. This is a problem that needs to be dealt with more severely, as there are often no punishments for the abusers.
I've finally realised that speaking out is the key, and so I wanted to bring attention to the fact that some people get so good at hiding it, you may not even know your best friend is being abused. For years, my own father abused me. He would hit be, pull me around by my hair and cause damages as serious as sprains and broken bones. This happened from around the age of 8, right up until last Christmas. I never told anyone, because I was sure it was my fault, and that if I spoke out, I might not have a life any more. However in February, I came clean to my mother and the police about the abuse I ordealed. I thought the time was right for people to know what my dad was like, and I presumed he would be punished in the right way. However I couldn't have been more wrong.
Dougie, as I now refer to him as, is waiting on a court date for one account of assaulting a minor. He works in a school, and, although being found as a child abuser, is still allowed to do so. He still has rights to talk to me, see me, and will not have those rights taken off him. Even if found guilty in court, he will not be fined, given a prison sentence or have any other type of punishment put upon him. This is wrong. I feel like all the years of abuse and months of interrogation I went through were for nothing. I'm telling everyone on Facebook about this because I feel the law should be changed. If I was over the age of 16, he would have a prison sentence. Surely my age doesn't make what he did any better? It takes 2 minutes to like and share this status. So that's what I'm asking you to do. Like it and share so all your friends can do the same. If it gets enough likes and shares, I can take this online petition to the police, and maybe the law will be changed. Please don't over look this, just like and share, and the person who ruined my childhood might finally get a taste of his own medicine."


If you are also struck by her words then let's get the story out there. Let's try and make the difference that needs to be made. Let's find justice for those suffering in silence. 

You need every small step to reach the finish line

After the turmoil of the last few months it would be easy to say that I haven't achieved anything, to instantly deny any positives, but that would not be truthful.

Last night, for example, i went out with my dad to see Milton Jones. Now that may not seem like a big achievement but, it was the first time that I had got dressed in anything other than trackies since the 30th of December last year. And what od even more important is that I enjoyed myself. Yes there was a substantial amount of anxiety involved in the evening but there was also a lot of genuine laughter.

Another example is that I have managed to get myself some paid work, i am actually contributing to society! I mean yes, it is only some media database work for my mums friend's company, but it is work all the same.

So, next time I try to call myself a complete failure I need to remind myself of these small achievements. Illness will not rule my life.

i believe an update is due...

Wow, it has certainly been a while since I posted this blog and it is safe to say that quite a lot has happened. I like numbers so here is a breakdown:

8 hospital admissions + 1 section + 5 suicial overdoses + 2 stays in the nut hut = the last 2.5 months.

So yes, quite am eventful few months. My mood had plummeted to an all time low, my eating has spiraled downwards and the negative thoughts are like never before. It takes all the strength I have to make out through each day alive. My college education has gone out of the window for the time being and myday to day like consists of sitting, drowning in my thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything, and going to copious appointments. Any control i had appears to have diminished. 

It has been a very tough few months and I am still struggling but I'm now forcing myself to pick out some positives. I have got a new regular therapist and he is doing some proper work with me and also been assigned a cpn. The continuity is helping me to feel more comfortable and I do believe that I could make some progress with T, my new therapist.
Also, i have some amazing friends who have been there for me even when I have been giving nothing back and I am eternally grateful for them.

So, a horrible few months but also active proof that even the darkest of situations, light can be found.

Just some thoughts...

“Prolonged feeling of dejection or despondency”

That’s what they say

When trying to make sense of it

When trying to make people understand

Numb

Dark

Lonely

Hopeless

They don’t put those in the definition

They’re not something people would accept

Not something they would understand

But, it is the truth.

Depression isn’t just a phase

It isn’t just a bad mood

It’s an illness

Not a choice.

Falling, fading, fast

I am struggling.

the dark, hopeless feelings are overwhelming.

each day i think they can't get worse.

yet, after each sleepless night.

they do.

I don't think i can do this.

at all.

Mad Confessions

Last night I posted my mad confessions on both facebook and twitter. 

"Tonight on channel 4 Ruby Wax is talking about her Mad Confessions so, in the spirit of talking out here goes. I have depression, ASD and bulimia, there are my mad confessions. BUT they do not define me, I am [OCTOBER] not an illness."

It was scary to do and my heart pounded as I pressed send but, almost instantly, the likes and supportive comments started coming, they were then followed by messages from some people who I hardly even knew. ALL supportive.

The stigma can be changed!