A darker shade of grey

My heart is pounding. My head is rushing.

I am afraid.
But what of?

I feel dread.
But why?

I want to run away.
But what from?


I sit in silence. Scared to speak. I sit in the dark. Not wanting to be seen.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. She actually picked up that things weren't good. But all she offered was adding more meds to the cocktail. I am not taking them. They didn't work last time and the side effects scare me.

I am behind on work. I have only made it into school a few days this week. I make plans and then cancel them. I am letting everyone down.

It just all seems to be getting worse faster than I can take.

When I spoke to J she just asked me "what was making me feel bad" and "which situations I find difficult to be in". To which I can only reply "I don't know" and "my life".

I promised H & J that I would stay safe. So I have to.