"I can't look at you or I'll laugh"

There was a big meeting today, multiple people involved in my "care" and me.
I feel I should have a lot to report back now.....but I really don't.

I am just impressed that I resisted the urge to HURL my filofax at my social worker! She is possibly the most irritating person that i have ever met.
Apparently my face whenever she spoke "was quite a picture".

I suppose little to report means nothing drastically bad.
So, I shall finish this wee post about hardly anything....

a glimpse of the light

Focus on the positives.
One good thing kicks out a negative.

I had a great session with the nurse the other day.
We talked - and by that I mean my end of the communication consisted of more than shrugs and "I don't knows".
And it felt great.
For the first time in a long while I didn't leave the room feeling entirely hopeless.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Hang on in there.

My weekend in pathetic breakdowns

- whether or not to shower on Saturday morning
- stay at school for maths or not?
- bean or vegetable soup
- go out with my parents or stay at home
- bed or not to bed
- what to wear or Sunday
- soup lunch at church or no soup lunch
- bus or get a lift
- YF or no YF
- HUGE breakdown over where to sit in church
- take communion or not?
- should I email medical centre

This weekend has been ridiculous. None of these things ought to have cause the sheer amount of internal turmoil that they did.

I really need to get a grip!

Writing is just shapes, speaking is just sounds

You know that game for kids, Kerplunk? The one where you can have all the marbles balancing on so few sticks. And when you pull that one stick all the marbles fall, game over. Well, that is what it feels like inside my head.
I feel as if I am only hanging on by a single stick - if that stick goes I really do not know what I will do.

If I am completely honest I am scared.

Scared of myself.

Scared of my thoughts.

Scared of the lack of control I have.

I wish that I could tell someone how I feel and not feel I am burdening them. There are so many people who are going through difficult times and I guess that they deserve the support more than I.

I have to be 'okay'.

I am supposed to be 'okay'.

People need me to be 'okay'.

But I am not.

I have to keep up the act that I am alright at school or people will ask questions. I have to keep it up at home or my family will worry. I have to keep it up at church or people will think I am being attention seeking.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am not the type of person to ask for help but here goes:
I really can't do this alone. I need help.

That whisper in the darkness

My head is in a somewhat peculiar place right now.
I seem strangely capable of wholeheartedly believing contradictory statements at the same time.


"There is no way that I will ever get through this"
"I completely trust that God will help me through this"


For someone who usually likes things to be logical, this internal paradox is particularly confusing. Whilst I am not doubting the power of God, I just seem unable of truly applying it to my own situation. 
I trust God. I say that with all my heart. So, why do I feel like I will never come out the other side of this darkness?
I find myself thinking "maybe this is the life I am supposed to live forever" or "maybe things are not supposed to get any better". 
I fully believe that God would not give someone more than he knew they could handle. But, believing that leaves me perplexed. Maybe God overestimated my strength because I don't think I can handle the things that he has given me, I am not convinced that I am strong enough.


My faith in Jesus has got me through some of my toughest moments and without him in my life I honestly do not know if I would be here to write this today. I suppose that is the heart of it. I may not always believe that God will get me through but deep down I always trust in that fact.

SIAD

So, today is self injury awareness day.
I took a big step to mark the date and helped with writing this blog post for minding me.
Please take a look, just click HERE


much love
xx

Why hello there :)

I am just an ordinary girl with a few things going on in my head.

I may have depression but that does not define me.
I may be autistic but that is not just who I am.
I may have eating issues but that doesn't make me any less of a person.

My teenage years have consisted of hospitals, knitting, baking and Jesus - far from the stereotypical parties and alcohol. But I am me, like me or leave me, that is who I am.

Numbers and equations are my thing with words never really being a forte of mine. But I shall try to write in a somewhat readable manner.

TTFN
xxx