A darker shade of grey

My heart is pounding. My head is rushing.

I am afraid.
But what of?

I feel dread.
But why?

I want to run away.
But what from?


I sit in silence. Scared to speak. I sit in the dark. Not wanting to be seen.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. She actually picked up that things weren't good. But all she offered was adding more meds to the cocktail. I am not taking them. They didn't work last time and the side effects scare me.

I am behind on work. I have only made it into school a few days this week. I make plans and then cancel them. I am letting everyone down.

It just all seems to be getting worse faster than I can take.

When I spoke to J she just asked me "what was making me feel bad" and "which situations I find difficult to be in". To which I can only reply "I don't know" and "my life".

I promised H & J that I would stay safe. So I have to.

Walking away

I know I am doing it. I can feel myself withdrawing from everything.
I just can't face it at the moment.
I don't want people to see me or have to be around me when I am like this.
So, I withdraw, isolate myself.
Not a solution, I know, but it's what I find myself doing.

In case of emergency exits are located...

So, long time no blog.

I don't have the words at the moment.

Everywhere I am I need / want to get out of.

I want to no longer have to be me.

It's all sort of a jumble in my head.

xxx