Minding Me

We have been posting this week on the minding me blog for depression awareness week. Here is a link to the post I wrote for today: LINK
much love x

Depression Awareness Week

It is depression awareness so, inspired by the lovely Hope, I am going to share a few short poems I wrote about my depression.

On the surface I am happy,

On the surface I fit in.

But underneath that shell,

Lots of sadness is held in.

Feelings are like knots,

Tangled up inside,

but in my mind they seem to be

Something I need to hide.

The happiness is a shell,

It's how I should be

The darkness that's inside,

Is what they will never see.

I don't know what to do,

I don't know what to say.

I just need some help,

to make this monster go away.

I may not have escaped my depression yet, but I have seen that there is a light. There is a way out of it. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help.

x

The truth and nothing but the truth

Dear ?

I really wish that I had a magic wand, that I could make your struggles go away, make it all better, but I can't.
You tell me how awful you feel and inside it breaks me. I just want to hug it out of you, protect you, make sure you don't do anything to harm yourself. I hate hearing of you being in such pain and distress. You don't deserve it.
I want so badly to know what to say, to know how to make it better. But I don't know. All I can do is tell you how much I love you. Tell you that it will get better. Tell you that you are stronger than you know.
I pray for you every day. God knows you better than you know yourself and he knows that you can handle this.
I wish I could find the words, and I am so sorry if what I say isn't right. But, please know I want the best for you.
I believe in you and I know you are trying but you need to keep pushing yourself. To use an old cliche "no pain, no gain".
Please just know how much you mean to me and to so many others, you are such a special young lady.

Much love,
October
xx

Falling back

I seem to have fallen back on any progress I'd made.
I thought I was doing well, but it all seems to have crumbled around me.
I need to do well, I need to be okay.
Why? not for myself but for others. I don't want to keep hurting my family. I want to be able to be a part of mm and to help others.
But I need to get myself back on track first.

I will be proactive. I have told people that things aren't going well. I will tell my doctor I don't think my meds are working. I will do all that I can to get better.

But until I get there I just need to deal with these horrible dark thoughts and feelings. Deal with them because they WILL NOT be here forever. There will be a future for me free of this.

What is the truth?

Have I been lying to myself?

I really thought that I had been doing quite well food wise. I really, honestly did.

I know the SH and the mood hasn't been great but the food, I thought that side of things was better.

But apparently it isn't. 

The gp told me today that she is referring me to the ED team. 

I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all.

I have always managed it myself. Well, with my old psych, gp and school nurse. So why now? Why must I go to them now?

I am not really sure what I think.

Was I just fooling myself that I was doing well? What is the truth? Because I don't know what it is anymore.

Hiding away creating a river

He wont stop shouting and swearing.

Apparently it is all my fault - or at least that is what my mum says.

I'm hiding in the cupboard in my own house crying my eyes out.

They know how much shouting and arguing upsets me. They know that is scares me.

Finally the shouting dies down. I work up the courage to come out of the cupboard.

Greeted by my mother shouting in my face telling me it is my fault. That I was "winding him up".

I really don't see how I was. I didn't say anything.

I don't understand. And that upsets me almost as much as the shouting.

World Autism Day

Wrote a wee post on the minding me post for World Autism Day.
Please take a look here :-)