Mad Confessions

Last night I posted my mad confessions on both facebook and twitter. 

"Tonight on channel 4 Ruby Wax is talking about her Mad Confessions so, in the spirit of talking out here goes. I have depression, ASD and bulimia, there are my mad confessions. BUT they do not define me, I am [OCTOBER] not an illness."

It was scary to do and my heart pounded as I pressed send but, almost instantly, the likes and supportive comments started coming, they were then followed by messages from some people who I hardly even knew. ALL supportive.

The stigma can be changed!

Haunting

What she said to me.

It shouldn't still haunt me.

Shouldn't still go round and round in my mind. 

I shouldn't still constantly worry what is true and what is not.

I shouldn't be scared to go to church.

Shouldn't fear them.

Shouldn't have to hide on the bus

I shouldn't be sitting here crying over it.

BUT I am.

Maybe it is because I am pathetic, attention seeking, weak, just like you said. 

Even if it is, I think about it constantly, the haunting words won't leave me alone.

Crumbling

Falling

Dark

Failing

Scared

All I do is:

cry

mess things up

cry

binge

cry

gain

cry

push people away

cry

annoy people

cry

What is the point?

Falling

Falling. Crumbling. Breaking.

Surrounded.

It all seems to be falling apart.

Everything that I built up, all the progress, going.........going..........gone............

It is all so dark. So cold.

The days so long.

The nights even longer.

I long for the sun to go to bed so that I can retreat to my darkened room.

No tears, they won't come.

Battling my thoughts.

I am fighting for M, L, R, J and others. But I can't for me. I am not worth it.

October xx

I want to live not merely survive

I have been quiet for a while as my the inside of my mind, a mass of tangled yarn, makes no sense to me.

I repulse myself.

Things got bad. They could have gone two ways. I did the "right" thing. My head is not happy.

They sent me to the hospital. Four hours of interrogation.

*nod*     "don't know"     *shake*     "maybe"     *shrug*

They let me come home. But not without conditions.

IHTT daily. Only for a short while. That is what they promised me.

Days spent at home. On the sofa. No motivation to move.

No school. Missing too much. Falling further behind.

Will I miss the end of term stuff? Miss my year group leaving?

no, I won't, I can't.

I have to be there. I can fight this.

"I want to live, not merely survive"

But, for now I can only aim to survive.

But there is a future. A future in which I will live.

xx

A darker shade of grey

My heart is pounding. My head is rushing.

I am afraid.
But what of?

I feel dread.
But why?

I want to run away.
But what from?


I sit in silence. Scared to speak. I sit in the dark. Not wanting to be seen.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. She actually picked up that things weren't good. But all she offered was adding more meds to the cocktail. I am not taking them. They didn't work last time and the side effects scare me.

I am behind on work. I have only made it into school a few days this week. I make plans and then cancel them. I am letting everyone down.

It just all seems to be getting worse faster than I can take.

When I spoke to J she just asked me "what was making me feel bad" and "which situations I find difficult to be in". To which I can only reply "I don't know" and "my life".

I promised H & J that I would stay safe. So I have to.