Just some thoughts...

“Prolonged feeling of dejection or despondency”

That’s what they say

When trying to make sense of it

When trying to make people understand

Numb

Dark

Lonely

Hopeless

They don’t put those in the definition

They’re not something people would accept

Not something they would understand

But, it is the truth.

Depression isn’t just a phase

It isn’t just a bad mood

It’s an illness

Not a choice.

Falling, fading, fast

I am struggling.

the dark, hopeless feelings are overwhelming.

each day i think they can't get worse.

yet, after each sleepless night.

they do.

I don't think i can do this.

at all.

Mad Confessions

Last night I posted my mad confessions on both facebook and twitter. 

"Tonight on channel 4 Ruby Wax is talking about her Mad Confessions so, in the spirit of talking out here goes. I have depression, ASD and bulimia, there are my mad confessions. BUT they do not define me, I am [OCTOBER] not an illness."

It was scary to do and my heart pounded as I pressed send but, almost instantly, the likes and supportive comments started coming, they were then followed by messages from some people who I hardly even knew. ALL supportive.

The stigma can be changed!

Haunting

What she said to me.

It shouldn't still haunt me.

Shouldn't still go round and round in my mind. 

I shouldn't still constantly worry what is true and what is not.

I shouldn't be scared to go to church.

Shouldn't fear them.

Shouldn't have to hide on the bus

I shouldn't be sitting here crying over it.

BUT I am.

Maybe it is because I am pathetic, attention seeking, weak, just like you said. 

Even if it is, I think about it constantly, the haunting words won't leave me alone.

Crumbling

Falling

Dark

Failing

Scared

All I do is:

cry

mess things up

cry

binge

cry

gain

cry

push people away

cry

annoy people

cry

What is the point?

Falling

Falling. Crumbling. Breaking.

Surrounded.

It all seems to be falling apart.

Everything that I built up, all the progress, going.........going..........gone............

It is all so dark. So cold.

The days so long.

The nights even longer.

I long for the sun to go to bed so that I can retreat to my darkened room.

No tears, they won't come.

Battling my thoughts.

I am fighting for M, L, R, J and others. But I can't for me. I am not worth it.

October xx