Crumbling

Falling

Dark

Failing

Scared

All I do is:

cry

mess things up

cry

binge

cry

gain

cry

push people away

cry

annoy people

cry

What is the point?

Falling

Falling. Crumbling. Breaking.

Surrounded.

It all seems to be falling apart.

Everything that I built up, all the progress, going.........going..........gone............

It is all so dark. So cold.

The days so long.

The nights even longer.

I long for the sun to go to bed so that I can retreat to my darkened room.

No tears, they won't come.

Battling my thoughts.

I am fighting for M, L, R, J and others. But I can't for me. I am not worth it.

October xx

I want to live not merely survive

I have been quiet for a while as my the inside of my mind, a mass of tangled yarn, makes no sense to me.

I repulse myself.

Things got bad. They could have gone two ways. I did the "right" thing. My head is not happy.

They sent me to the hospital. Four hours of interrogation.

*nod*     "don't know"     *shake*     "maybe"     *shrug*

They let me come home. But not without conditions.

IHTT daily. Only for a short while. That is what they promised me.

Days spent at home. On the sofa. No motivation to move.

No school. Missing too much. Falling further behind.

Will I miss the end of term stuff? Miss my year group leaving?

no, I won't, I can't.

I have to be there. I can fight this.

"I want to live, not merely survive"

But, for now I can only aim to survive.

But there is a future. A future in which I will live.

xx

A darker shade of grey

My heart is pounding. My head is rushing.

I am afraid.
But what of?

I feel dread.
But why?

I want to run away.
But what from?


I sit in silence. Scared to speak. I sit in the dark. Not wanting to be seen.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. She actually picked up that things weren't good. But all she offered was adding more meds to the cocktail. I am not taking them. They didn't work last time and the side effects scare me.

I am behind on work. I have only made it into school a few days this week. I make plans and then cancel them. I am letting everyone down.

It just all seems to be getting worse faster than I can take.

When I spoke to J she just asked me "what was making me feel bad" and "which situations I find difficult to be in". To which I can only reply "I don't know" and "my life".

I promised H & J that I would stay safe. So I have to.

Walking away

I know I am doing it. I can feel myself withdrawing from everything.
I just can't face it at the moment.
I don't want people to see me or have to be around me when I am like this.
So, I withdraw, isolate myself.
Not a solution, I know, but it's what I find myself doing.

In case of emergency exits are located...

So, long time no blog.

I don't have the words at the moment.

Everywhere I am I need / want to get out of.

I want to no longer have to be me.

It's all sort of a jumble in my head.

xxx